Burnt Out

So, lately I’ve been feeling quite a bit burnt out.

You know, where you reach the point where you don’t know how much more you can handle because you have so much going on and your sanity (what little bit is left, anyway) is about to just walk away leaving you completely nuts?

Yeah, it’s pretty much the most ridiculous feeling in the world.

And it’s one of the surest indicators of if you are aligned with God’s will for your life.  I firmly believe that although times may get hard, it is impossible to be burnt out when you’re doing what God has called you to do at any given time.

So, conversely, if I’m burnt out, it’s showing me that I’m not alligned with God’s will for my life right now.

I know there are a lot of things I’ve been slacking off on lately, you know, like reading my Bible everyday, which I intend to start doing again (with God’s help, of course), and spending time praising and worshipping him every day (I know the worship is much more than music, but for the sake of this statement please consider that aspect of worship) because that’s the most effective way for me personally to spend time with God (amoung other things, of course). Not to mention, I’m still trying to find a church home, or at least (actually, this would be preferred), a group of believers who want to “do church” in a small group setting.

However, despite all this, I cannot shake the feeling that there is something I’m missing right now. Something big. Something huge. And may actually be something the seems small but is big, I don’t know.  All I know is something isn’t right right now.

I know that based on this, God has already started to reveal something to me about what He has for me, and that as I continue to draw closer to Him, He will continue to reveal more, little by little.

…But I’m just so impatient. Ha.  I am so hoping that it really is something huge, something big enough to shake up my life.

I’m getting so restless, again. That seems to be a common portion of my general disposition as of late.  It’s so crazy. As much as I love school, I mean I absolutely ADORE it, I’m already ready for Dec 12 when the semester is over. And as thankful I am for my job, and as amazing the people are that I work with, and the favor God has given me there, I just can’t seem to maintain the desire to go in 4 days a week.

I don’t know what it is. Last time it got this bad, semester started to shake things up and remedy the situation, at least temporarily.  And, considering, once again, I’m restless, I believe it is same to assume that only something completely radical, completely revolutionary in my life, my attitude can change this.

And, along with my restlessness and my desire to shake things up, I also am at the point of extreme restlessness when it comes to sleep. I mean, seriously, I’m typing this at 3:40 am, have a test in less that 8 hours, should be asleep, but just am not tired.  I haven’t really been tired in a few weeks now, at least not at bedtime.  And being tired in class, at work, or when my alarm goes off is not conducive to anything except being miserable.

I’m trying to be patient and wait on God to help me through this, but we all know I’m not a patient person to begin with, now make me antsy and restless. Ha.

I feel like I’m going to go nuts.

Playing my guitar tonight was the first time I’ve been at peace in a very long time, and yet I can’t help but to hope I didn’t wake any neighbors because I only have time to play when normal people sleep. It seems like that’s the only time I have to do anything, really.

I’m not really sure how to wrap this up because I’m not really sure what I’m getting at. I honestly don’t know if I just needed to get this off my chest, or if I’m asking for prayer (yes, ok, that I am. Please keep me in your prayers.), or if I want advice (anyone have any thoughts?), or some other unforeseen motive. I don’t know if God is having me put this out for the world because there is someone else who He wants to speak through with this. I just don’t know. So yeah…

Peace.

This Whole ‘Adult’ Thing is Killing Me

40 hour work weeks.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m very thankful to have a job, especially one with an environment like mine.  However, the notion of working an 8-5 office job makes me sick to my stomach.  I hate the idea that my current job is ONLY to pay the bills.  It has almost nothing to do with any of my aspirations and just leaves me drained so I’m not accomplishing much after hours either.

In due time something more appropriate and a little less monotonous will present itself, and for now, I’ll suck it up an be an adult, although we all know I’ll never grow up.

A Bit of Surrealism

and, surprisingly, I’m not talking about philosophy, art, or history here.  Although, now I’m thinking about it. Ha.

I just finished my last final exam for the semester.  Sightsinging. And I rocked it. Much to my surprise, ha.

But, it’s crazy to think that I made it through my first year in one piece.

It’s crazy to think about everything that’s happened in this semester to the people around me, to me, and in me.

I never would’ve predicted it would have been like this.

And, I think I’m the better for it. Hopefully.

This must be what growing up feels like…

Note to Self: take a bit of time to be nostalgic. take a bit of time anticipating this summer and next semester, and the prospect of one more semester til i’m a junior.  make sure that i take even more time simply enjoying today.

Happy Mother’s Day.

I know my mom is less than apt to actually think to check this, but a Happy Mother’s Day to her.

I give her a lot of crap about her “parental status” with me, but, truth be told, I’m really glad to have her around.  She has shown me how not to live my life, but has also shown me what a real passion for God looks like.  She has shown me that, sometimes, God puts us in places that are less than what we think to be amazing, but always have a better purpose.  She has shown me that even when I screw up, I am still lovable.  I thank her for that.  I was considering posting a picture of her here, but for whatever reason, I don’t have any recent pictures of her.  It’s probably because when she’s around, I opt to use HER camera rather than mine, and still have to obtain those pictures.

And… not to be overlooked:

Happy Mother’s Day to Grams.  I miss her so much, and it’s still hard to believe that she’s not here for me to go stop by and take some flowers to.  She was an angel sent from God, nothing less.  I owe almost everything I am today to her.  She taught me what selflessness looked like, and ensured that I became a well-mannered, responsible member of society.  I’m very glad she did. I love that she knew the plans God has for me as well as I do. And, so, she was able to support me in all of my less than logical decisions that are getting me to where I need to be.  I am so blessed to have had such an amazing woman to lead me as I grew up, and I can only pray that God will continue to grow me into being a woman like her.

Another:

Happy Mother’s Day, Stevi.  Yeah, you’re a bit unorthodox, and it’s still weird to think that you ever had a kid (has it really been 4 years already?), but Smarty is blessed to have you in his life and to know that you love him.

Last One:

Happy Mother’s Day to Fuzzy. Cuz, deep down, he really is just one old mother….

100 Thoughts

In the past, in a previous blog (a MySpace blog), I got bored one night and wrote a “100 About Me Facts” Blog. I really enjoyed writing it, and I enjoy looking back on it every once in a while. So, I’ve decided I’m gonna do another, similar blog. Although, rather than making this “About Me”, its going to be 100 random thoughts, musings, and anecdotes from my perspective. A lot of them will probably be in some form of a question. Ponder them. Hope you enjoy. Read them all, or just a few. Let me know if there’s any that strike you.

1. I hope these don’t all contain the words “I”, “me”, “my”, or “mine”. I’m going to try my hardest to avoid it.

2. “Be careful what you wish for, it may come true.” This is one of the truest statements I have ever heard. Just think about it a little. (from “The Breakdown” by Mae).

3. Music is my favorite form of art. But anything that can express so much emotion without words gets a gold star.

4. Clarification of above statement: lyrics are the least important aspect of music, and, generally, are not necessary, but that does not mean that they cannot be profound.

5. I really just want a hug right now.

6. If I don’t know you, don’t offer a hug in the comments.

7. Somedays I wonder if school is where I’m supposed to be. While there are definitely days where studying what I love (music) thrills me, and I’m so happy to be where I’m at, there are days where I just can’t shake the thought that I could be doing more with that passion if I wasn’t in school.

8. That being said, a diploma (specifically a Bachelor’s of Science) is a prerequisite to any other sort of major document, including, but not limited to, a marriage license (which is a good thing, since the idea of being married scares me). Ha.

9. Hearing a kid laugh can make the worst day amazing.

10. I have no intention of ever being a mother.

11. I still think about Grams everyday. Isn’t this supposed to get easier with time?

12. Books. A person can never have enough.  A person can never read enough.

13. Favorite Fiction: The God of Small Things By Arundhati Roy.

14. Favorite NonFiction: The Irresitable Revolution By Shane Claiborne

15. Cooking is theraputic.

16. Eating what I cook is theraputic.

17. I used to tell people I didn’t know how to cook.

18. I miss it a lot now.

19. When I move (in 8 days!), I hope to start cooking more.

20. I finally get my bed back when I move. I’m excited. My dorm mattress is less than amazing.

21. My brain works in numbers and math.

22. If you think about it, that explains why I’m so good with music theory.

23. God is Good.

24. Number 23 is a lie.

25. God is beyond any words.

26. The realization that I’m more an adult than ever before (with the joined responsibilities) is a bit overwhelming.

27. I’m excited to see how life continues to play out.

28. I almost just repeated number 12. Can I make it to 100?

29. If a person can’t drive a manual/standard, they shouldn’t be allowed to have a license. (If they CHOOSE to drive an automatic after that, fine, but they really should learn both.)

30. I’m home on a Friday night, writing this, nonetheless. What is wrong with the world?

31. I have a ten page paper due Sunday at midnight… I’ll start it tomorrow.

32. “If this isn’t love, this is the closest I’ve ever been.” (from “Audrey, Start the Revolution” by Anberlin)

33. My music just stopped playing, and, for once, it’s not bothering me to sit in silence.  I guess it’s a good thing to finally be content with my own thoughts.

34. I have the urge to make cookies. Anyone want some?

35. “It seems like only yesterday that we were calling today tomorrow.” (“Pot-Shots” by Ashleigh Brilliant) Ever feel this way?

36. Kevin and his parents gave me a leg lamp (you know, like the one in the movie “A Christmas Story”, but only smaller) for Christmas.

37. Be careful what you say around Kevin’s parents, lest you end up with a leg lamp for Christmas. Ha.

38. I’m no longer comfortable in what used to be my “second home”.

39. The Labyrinth was an excellent movie. It’s a shame my copy is in storage right now.

40. Life shouldn’t be lived trying to reach the end, but rather to make memories so that, when you do reach the end, you have a million reasons to smile.

41.”You look like a sunny day, when I look outside and it’s storming.” (from “Easy to Fall in Love” by Brighten) I want to look like a sunny day when he looks outside and it’s storming.

42. Is the answer to the question of life.

43. I enjoy just watching candles burn.

44. Framed on my desk: “What you risk reveals what you value.” -Jeanette Winterson. What have I been risking lately?

45. “You can roll a Rolo to a pal.” …I’m eating a Rolo right now.

46. I found a website compiling one sentence submissions from readers the other day, and found something that made me realize I’m not alone in the world: “I know 18 digits of Pi and the Quadratic formula, but have to make an ‘L’ with my hand to remember which way is left.”

47. I wish I knew Pi to the 18th digit. I’m stuck at like 7. 3.1415926.

48. I want to start looking for a good tattoo artist.  I have 2 I want to get done. One as soon as I find an artist (that’s been in the works for probably close to 3 years now…), and one in December.

49. It’s almost summer. Yay!

50. Only halfway done? I remember this being easier.  Then again, I’m trying to avoid major repeats.

51. The bottom braces should be coming off soon. I’m stoked.

52. I need to make time to take my car to get an oil change. I almost feel like an abusive car owner.

53. Next semester is going to be rough, but once I make it through, I’ll be a junior, with a few extra credits (which will be by the end of 2009).

54. For those of you who don’t know, I graduated Class of 2008.

55. See number 25.

56. Swing dancing, anyone?

57. Finals need to be over. Like now. Not in a week.

58. I should be better at the guitar than I am.

59. I just packed my books. My desk looks empty and sad.

60. Insomnia needs to die.

61. How did I fit so much stuff in half a bedroom? I think I have more stuff here than I do in storage (which is the entirety of the rest of my earthly possessions), minus furniture.

62.There is a Christmas tree in the trunk of my car. It’s been there since December.

63. It isn’t right that, in his prime, Robert Plant had nicer hair than I do now.

64. I still want a hug. (It’s the day after I originally wrote this. I’ve been working on it for three days. It’s harder than the first one was.)

65. His kisses send chills down my spine and through my limbs. Every time. They literally take my breath away.

66. Lars, my gnome, is cooler than you.

67. My cat is also cooler than you. I’m stoked to have her back in my care within a week.

68. Ah! I’m moving in a week.

69. One year ago, I would not have guessed any of what’s happened in the last year would have happened.

70. Am I the only one with an obsession with clocks?

71. Most of these are about me, specifically. Sad day.

72. Numerous people have adopted the use of the phrase “sad day” just from being around me.

73. If I actually change my status on Messenger from “online” it usually becomes “Out to Lunch”… regardless of the time of day.

74. Fuzzy’s senior picture from the fall of 1964 is on my bulletin board. He was a handsome chap!

75. The last 4 movies I’ve watched have been Kubrick films. Dr. Strangelove, 2001:A Space Odyssey, The Shining, and I’m watching A Clockwork Orange as I type this.

76. There is something beautifully intriguing to well-executed sword work.

77. Breakfast cereal makes the best late night snack.

78. Lambo Diablo = Sexy.

79. I have so much inspiration right now, but am perpetually at a loss for words, especially in terms of writing new music.

80. “I’m singing in the rain…” is currently being sung in this movie (see number 75).

81. The day I met a certain boy, we were walking around downtown and he jumped onto the base of a lightpole and started singing “Singing in the rain.”

82. I’m smiling right now.

83. Today I learned that Hitler’s favorite composer was Wagner.

84. I have an unnatural interest in WWII, and the Cold War, as well as various types of government.

85.”…in theory.” “But the thing about theories is…” “What’s the thing about theories?” “Well, communism works, in theory.”

86. Yes, I actually use that in conversation.

87. I have a ratehr dry, British type sense of humor.

88. An amazing night: a good book, a warm blanket, jazz, and hot tea (green tea or chai, specifically).

89. An alternate amazing night: any night spent with him.

90. I’ve decided that I need to brush up on my composers and classical music.

91. “Where is fancy bred: in the heart, or in the head?” (from “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory”)

92. Tophats on brides are awesome.

93. The thought of piercings makes me sick to my stomach.

94. Drummers are awesome by default. I kind of have a soft spot for them.

95. I want to have lunch with Former Secretary of Defense Robert McNamara (Johnson and Kennedy administrations), who also was President of the Ford Motor Company as well as the World Bank.

96. If you have never seen it, go watch the documentary “The Fog of War”. You can watch it here if you have time: http://quicksilverscreen.com/watch?video=50289

97. It’s 3am. I have church in 8 hours. Then I have to come home and finish a paper. Yet, I’m writing this.

98. I can’t wait to not have train tracks 30ft outside my bedroom.

99. Even though this list is complete, I hope you all add some of your own thoughts and anecdotes and favorite quotes in the comments.

100. miao xD

Word PHAILS

This is a screen shot from my mac of how epically Microsoft Word fails. Just check out the little red box. Maybe I should actually start using pages for more than publishing/layout… hmm. Haha.

Old Statuses

If there is one thing I actually miss about Facebook/MySpace, it would have to be the ability to update status (and mood on MySpace).  While I wasn’t the person to update about every little thing I did, I did enjoy finding poingnant, fun, and cute statuses, usually from song lyrics.  I tended to re-use ones I really enjoyed, or even leave them up for weeks at a time despite my daily visitation to the sites.  Below is a list of some of my favorites.

(One more thing: I do not have twitter and do not plan to start “tweeting” at any time in the near future. It’s just not worth it for me, especially since I just recycle updates and leave them for long periods of time.)

So, back to that list:

Alix Margaret…:

§ wants to look like a sunny day when he looks outside and it’s storming. (Brighten)
§ “My life is the poem I would have writ, but I could not both live and utter it.” (Thoreau)
§ is not the one to tell you, ‘you’re gonna be safe’ but I’ll stay up at night and keep your bad dreams at bay. (Allison Francis)
§ 39:84. (See previous post entitled 39:84)
§ 12:34 xD (This is something very personal to me.  I try to explain it to people, but they rarely actually understand, save a few.  So, here’s the “condensed” version of why 12:34 is important to me: I’m an insomniac. When I was in middle school and couldn’t sleep, I always managed to catch the clock at 12:34 almost every night.  I decided that if I would use that to help me remember how blessed I am.  So, every time I would see 12:34 on my clock, I would think of someone or something that made me smile and thank God for it. That way, I’d have happy thoughts and a smile on my face.  It’s stuck with me for the last 6 years. Now, when I see 12:34, I still smile and I still thank God for amazing people in my life. To be honest, it’s almost upset to catch the clock at 12:35 and think that I missed it, but I’ve learned that I can smile whenever and thank God whenever as well.)

And, for whatever reason, my mind just blanked on the others that I loved so much… the only one I can recall immediately is:
§ …so it goes. (Vonnegut)

and that is a less memorable one that I’d much rather not think about. If you’ve ever read Slaughterhouse Five, you’ll understand. If you know what’s gone on in my life in the last 6 months or so, you’ll understand as well. If not, I’m not explaining. Go read the book.

Lindy Workshop

So, it has recently been brought to my attention that on May 9, the Merc is hosting a Lindy Hop workshop.

I’m tempted to go. It’s $50-$60 depending on when I register, which I think I could justify.

My problem is that I don’t wanna go alone.  I hate going places by myself (unless its the Denver Diner).  So, does anyone wanna join me?  It’s a beginner’s workshop, so you don’t have to have a background in swing, just a willingness to try it!  So, if you’re free on that Saturday, have the cash for it, wanna spend a day with me having a bit o’ fun, and don’t have any major health issues that would prevent you from being able to enjoy the experience, you should let me know!

Finally!

After close to 5 months of job-hunting, this morning, I finally recieved an offer for a position that I interviewed for.  I consider myself lucky, no, blessed, to have only had a 5 month down time (I know a lot of people who were on the hunt for around a year!).  I am incredibly excited to work for this company, and am stoked that it’s not simply answering phones or standing at a retail counter.  The president of the company knows that I am a student, and maintaining my status as a full time student is a condition of retaining employment with this company, and they’re willing to work with my schedule.

I knew God had something amazing for me, but I never would’ve expected this.  I think it’s a really good thing.

It makes me a little sad to think that I’m going to have to start budgeting my time better and that my free time just got cut in half (at least), but I still do have some, and I don’t have to worry about working weekends. Hoo-Ray.

Now that that’s settled, I need to keep praying about living arrangements for after May.  God provided me with this job, though, so I have no doubt that he’ll arrange for a place to stay as well.

A Bit of an Explanation

Ah, my first “blog” post in quite some time (and my first on here)!

Essentially, there are two reasons for me to post this:
a) to tell you (whoever “you” might be) why I decided to start a blog;
b) to have real content for me to work with the actual layout and appearance of this page.

So, I decided to start a blog because, well, I enjoy it.  However, having recently cut almost all ties with MySpace and Facebook, I don’t really have an outlet for it.  Sure, I can keep my thoughts in a notebook or saved as a .doc and my pictures saved as well, but there’s just something about being able to share them (or at least selected thems). Even if no one actually cares, it makes me feel special anyway. And, yes, I do know that I am really that much of a nerd.

Mostly what you can expect to see here is quotes from books that I fall in love with, philosophical and theological thoughts (because I like feedback), and random pictures.

For a bit of a taste of the kinds of things I write about and the way I write, you can feel free to check out my MySpace Blog ( http://blog.myspace.com/alixmargaret ).  It doesn’t have any book quotes, though (those were all on my Facebook and didn’t come back after I deactivated my account then reactivated it).

Anyway, I’m kinda excited for this.  I’m curious to find out if I actually stick with this. So, bear with me.