Burnt Out

So, lately I’ve been feeling quite a bit burnt out.

You know, where you reach the point where you don’t know how much more you can handle because you have so much going on and your sanity (what little bit is left, anyway) is about to just walk away leaving you completely nuts?

Yeah, it’s pretty much the most ridiculous feeling in the world.

And it’s one of the surest indicators of if you are aligned with God’s will for your life.  I firmly believe that although times may get hard, it is impossible to be burnt out when you’re doing what God has called you to do at any given time.

So, conversely, if I’m burnt out, it’s showing me that I’m not alligned with God’s will for my life right now.

I know there are a lot of things I’ve been slacking off on lately, you know, like reading my Bible everyday, which I intend to start doing again (with God’s help, of course), and spending time praising and worshipping him every day (I know the worship is much more than music, but for the sake of this statement please consider that aspect of worship) because that’s the most effective way for me personally to spend time with God (amoung other things, of course). Not to mention, I’m still trying to find a church home, or at least (actually, this would be preferred), a group of believers who want to “do church” in a small group setting.

However, despite all this, I cannot shake the feeling that there is something I’m missing right now. Something big. Something huge. And may actually be something the seems small but is big, I don’t know.  All I know is something isn’t right right now.

I know that based on this, God has already started to reveal something to me about what He has for me, and that as I continue to draw closer to Him, He will continue to reveal more, little by little.

…But I’m just so impatient. Ha.  I am so hoping that it really is something huge, something big enough to shake up my life.

I’m getting so restless, again. That seems to be a common portion of my general disposition as of late.  It’s so crazy. As much as I love school, I mean I absolutely ADORE it, I’m already ready for Dec 12 when the semester is over. And as thankful I am for my job, and as amazing the people are that I work with, and the favor God has given me there, I just can’t seem to maintain the desire to go in 4 days a week.

I don’t know what it is. Last time it got this bad, semester started to shake things up and remedy the situation, at least temporarily.  And, considering, once again, I’m restless, I believe it is same to assume that only something completely radical, completely revolutionary in my life, my attitude can change this.

And, along with my restlessness and my desire to shake things up, I also am at the point of extreme restlessness when it comes to sleep. I mean, seriously, I’m typing this at 3:40 am, have a test in less that 8 hours, should be asleep, but just am not tired.  I haven’t really been tired in a few weeks now, at least not at bedtime.  And being tired in class, at work, or when my alarm goes off is not conducive to anything except being miserable.

I’m trying to be patient and wait on God to help me through this, but we all know I’m not a patient person to begin with, now make me antsy and restless. Ha.

I feel like I’m going to go nuts.

Playing my guitar tonight was the first time I’ve been at peace in a very long time, and yet I can’t help but to hope I didn’t wake any neighbors because I only have time to play when normal people sleep. It seems like that’s the only time I have to do anything, really.

I’m not really sure how to wrap this up because I’m not really sure what I’m getting at. I honestly don’t know if I just needed to get this off my chest, or if I’m asking for prayer (yes, ok, that I am. Please keep me in your prayers.), or if I want advice (anyone have any thoughts?), or some other unforeseen motive. I don’t know if God is having me put this out for the world because there is someone else who He wants to speak through with this. I just don’t know. So yeah…

Peace.

This Whole ‘Adult’ Thing is Killing Me

40 hour work weeks.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m very thankful to have a job, especially one with an environment like mine.  However, the notion of working an 8-5 office job makes me sick to my stomach.  I hate the idea that my current job is ONLY to pay the bills.  It has almost nothing to do with any of my aspirations and just leaves me drained so I’m not accomplishing much after hours either.

In due time something more appropriate and a little less monotonous will present itself, and for now, I’ll suck it up an be an adult, although we all know I’ll never grow up.

School Update!!!

So, I just got onto UCD’s website to finally check my grades for the semester.  I had thought that I had earned approx a 3.35 for my 17 credit hours. I was a bit disappointed with that but wasn’t too concerned. (I mean, I really like seeing a 4 in my GPA.)

However, things turned out better than I had gauged.  For spring of 2009 I earned a 3.571, which leaves me with a cumulative 3.541 and 48 credits.

I am registered for 18 credit hours for fall 2009.  *If* I pass all of those classes, I will have 66 credits by the end of 2009, which is only 9 credits (approx 3 classes) short of being a second semester junior. Not bad for what will be only 18 months out of high school.  Ok, so I know 9 credits is actually kinda a lot so I should just settle for being excited to be a junior, but whatever. Haha.

PS the only reason I’m posting this so specifically is because I’m really excited about it and know that some of the people who read this are really interested in making sure that I’m staying on top of things at school.

Halfway

I just realized that the halfway point between the last time I got to see someone amazing and the projected next time I will get to see them has passed.

A ten week stretch, and today marks the end of week five.

I can’t believe it’s been so long since I’ve seen him, or that it will be at least this long again until I do, but, so far, he seems to be worth the wait.  I haven’t been disappointed yet.

When It Rains,

It Pours.

And, no, I’m not referring to Morton’s Iodized Salt.
Nor am I referring to the recent monsoon weather.

But in due time, the rain will clear away and the sun will shine bright.

“I Miss You”

by Incubus.

It’s a simple little piece and I’m defintely not their biggest fan, but I’m in love with this song.

I Miss You:
To see you when I wake up
Is a gift I didn’t think could be real.
To know that you feel the same as I do
Is a three-fold, Utopian dream.

You do something to me that I can’t explain.
So would I be out of line if I said “I miss you”?

I see your picture.
I smell your skin on
The empty pillow next to mine.
You have only been gone ten days,
But already I’m wasting away.
I know I’ll see you again
Whether far or soon.
But I need you to know that I care,
And I miss you.

Home Sweet Home

Spent my weekend moving ino my new apartment.  I’m still not completely moved out of the dorm, but just give me a few days.

I’m still frustrated with boxes sitting around and not knowing where to put what and what to do with everything else, but soon enough it’ll be settled, and clean, and well, homey.  Less clinical, if nothing else.

But for now I’m just excited to have my bed. And a kitchen.  And all of my movies. And my stereo and vinyl.  And my cat within the next few days.  And no roommates.

All is well so far.

A Bit of Surrealism

and, surprisingly, I’m not talking about philosophy, art, or history here.  Although, now I’m thinking about it. Ha.

I just finished my last final exam for the semester.  Sightsinging. And I rocked it. Much to my surprise, ha.

But, it’s crazy to think that I made it through my first year in one piece.

It’s crazy to think about everything that’s happened in this semester to the people around me, to me, and in me.

I never would’ve predicted it would have been like this.

And, I think I’m the better for it. Hopefully.

This must be what growing up feels like…

Note to Self: take a bit of time to be nostalgic. take a bit of time anticipating this summer and next semester, and the prospect of one more semester til i’m a junior.  make sure that i take even more time simply enjoying today.

Today I Learned

that I am capable of empathy.

Sympathy is something I’ve generally been good at in the past.  Sympathy allowed me to help other people and support them almost as a way to avoid my own feelings.  I still do this, a lot, to be honest.

And, I guess I’ve never really had a problem being empathetic with people I don’t know (think 39:84…. and no, that reference won’t stop anytime soon… I want to drill it into your heads!)… in fact part of my tattoo I’m in the process of looking for an artist for is the Hebrew word “za’aq”.  It means to cry out, and to call together.  Written next to the word on my bulletin board is:

“I live in a world that is crying out. I am to hear that cry. I am to feel that cry.  I am to allow God to use me to eliminate the causes of that cry.”

I’ve felt that cry. I’ve broken down in prayer over that cry.  I have physically felt that cry. But never for anyone I know.

If you don’t know, when I get upset, I get nauseous. I get headaches.  I get tremors.  I get to the point where breathing becomes diffcult.  I get restless. My insomnia gets worse.  I lose my appetite.  I rarely cry. Negative emotion just doesn’t manifest itself that way for me, often.

So, today, I got some really bad news from a friend.  News that has dramatic implications on their life, on their future. And, all day, mentally, I’ve been distraught just trying to fathom what they must be dealing with.  And, all day, I’ve felt nauseous.  I’ve had a headache. I’ve been physically feeling the effects of their struggles. This is definitely a first.  It’s been weird, to say the least. Not to mention I’m a little concerned based on who I’m feeling this empathy for, but that’s a different story for a different time.

What’s crazy, though, or rather, what I appreciate about this most is the fact that all day, I have been constantly reminded to pray for this person, and for their struggles, so I’m not going to completely dismiss the value of this empathy thing.

Happy Mother’s Day.

I know my mom is less than apt to actually think to check this, but a Happy Mother’s Day to her.

I give her a lot of crap about her “parental status” with me, but, truth be told, I’m really glad to have her around.  She has shown me how not to live my life, but has also shown me what a real passion for God looks like.  She has shown me that, sometimes, God puts us in places that are less than what we think to be amazing, but always have a better purpose.  She has shown me that even when I screw up, I am still lovable.  I thank her for that.  I was considering posting a picture of her here, but for whatever reason, I don’t have any recent pictures of her.  It’s probably because when she’s around, I opt to use HER camera rather than mine, and still have to obtain those pictures.

And… not to be overlooked:

Happy Mother’s Day to Grams.  I miss her so much, and it’s still hard to believe that she’s not here for me to go stop by and take some flowers to.  She was an angel sent from God, nothing less.  I owe almost everything I am today to her.  She taught me what selflessness looked like, and ensured that I became a well-mannered, responsible member of society.  I’m very glad she did. I love that she knew the plans God has for me as well as I do. And, so, she was able to support me in all of my less than logical decisions that are getting me to where I need to be.  I am so blessed to have had such an amazing woman to lead me as I grew up, and I can only pray that God will continue to grow me into being a woman like her.

Another:

Happy Mother’s Day, Stevi.  Yeah, you’re a bit unorthodox, and it’s still weird to think that you ever had a kid (has it really been 4 years already?), but Smarty is blessed to have you in his life and to know that you love him.

Last One:

Happy Mother’s Day to Fuzzy. Cuz, deep down, he really is just one old mother….